Seven - The Dance of Marriage

My lovely wife and I celebrated eleven years of marriage with a quiet dinner last Friday evening at a local winery’s restaurant. As we reflected thankfully on God’s faithfulness to us over the years, we were also saddened to think of friends and acquaintances whose marriages have been damaged or even destroyed in the last decade. We are so grateful for God’s grace in our marriage that has helped deepen our love and commitment.

As I speak with peers, co-workers and even fellow Christians, I am surprised by how frequently people are willing to ignore teachings about proper roles in marriage and thus set themselves up for disappointment at best, frustration and grief at worst.

I have recently been quite taken with the writings of Robert Farrar Capon (whose cookbook, The Supper of the Lamb, I highly recommend). He is theologically suspect at times, but he has a clear gift for finding poetic analogies for Biblical truth. I’ll end this entry with a quotation from his 1965 book on marriage “Bed and Board” that I think gives a beautiful image of roles in marriage:

"The reason the headship of the husband is so violently objected to is that it is misunderstood…There are no second-class citizens in the New Jerusalem. It is husbands and wives that are unequal. In marriage…they enter into a relationship of superior to inferior—of head to body. And the difference there is not one of worth, ability or intelligence, but of role. It is functional, not organic. It is based on the exigencies of the Dance, not on a judgment as to talent. In the ballet, in any intricate dance, one dancer leads, the other follows. Not because one is better (he may or may not be), but because that is his part. Our mistake, here as elsewhere, is to think the equality and diversity are irreconcilable. The common notion of equality is based on the image of the march. In a parade, really unequal beings are dressed alike, given guns of identical length, trained to hold them at the same angle, and ordered to keep step with a fixed beat. But it is not the parade that is true to life; it is the dance. There you have real equals assigned unequal roles in order that each may achieve his individual perfection in the whole. Nothing is less personal than a parade; nothing more so than a dance. It is the choice image of fulfillment through function, and it comes very close to the heart of the Trinity. Marriage is a hierarchical game played by co-equal persons. Keep that paradox and you move in the freedom of the Dance; alter it, and you grow weary with marching."

May all our marriages be lived in the freedom and glory of the Dance!

Five Through Ten – Through Love, Serve One Another

Jesus taught that the final six commandments can be summarized by loving our neighbour (Matt. 22:37-39), so this entry covers commandments five through ten.

Chores (or diligence tasks) have been a part of family life for a few years now, and, just as the children continue to grow and change, so too have the chore assignments. At Emily’s suggestion, we recently changed the morning chores. Everyone in our family is encouraged to “do all things without grumbling or disputing”, so, when Emily expressed her dissatisfaction with the way some morning chores were being done, we were pleased that she mentioned it in a helpful and respectful manner.

The way things had been done, Timothy would make all the beds, while Emily and Benjamin tidied her room and the boy’s room. Unfortunately, Benjamin is still learning to tidy and often the boy’s room was quite messy, so Emily was finding she and Ben were still working long after Timothy was finished. She therefore suggested that each child should make their own bed and clean their own room.

After dinner, and as a lead-in to our worship time, we discussed the morning chores and evaluated alternatives (including Emily’s suggestion). I began by reminding everyone that one of the things we try to teach and demonstrate with our morning chores is an attitude of service to one another. Philippians 2:3, 4 reminds us we should “with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Also, the theme verse for our chores is Galatians 5:13 “For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.”.

For this reason, none of us thought Emily’s suggestion of each child being exclusively responsible for their own bed and room was wise. Instead, after a very happy and excited conversation, we agreed that Timothy will continue to make all the beds, while Emily and Benjamin will tidy the rooms. Once Timothy is finished, he will tidy Philip’s nursery and teach Philip how to tidy up. Once a week, the jobs will rotate.

Anna and I were very pleased not only with the outcome, but with the attitude in which everyone participated in the discussion; they have a genuine desire to help and serve one another. We ended by praying, thanking God for wisdom and asking Him for humility to cheerfully serve. I also have been challenged to think more intensely about how I may serve my family and those around me.

seven - Happy Valentine's Day

Having heard just last week of another married couple who while seemingly all together on the outside, has split apart, I am reflecting on Valentines Day and the need we have to honour and love our spouses. (Those of us with them that is!) It can be easy to take them for granted! So don't do it! Make your Valentine feel special today - and everyday! Then, neither you, nor they, will be tempted to break the seventh commandment.